Overcoming ego for inner peace

Ego can influence various aspects of a software developer's career. It can manifest in different ways, such as making you seek approval, show off your skills, or even be reluctant to receive feedback. This can be particularly challenging in a collaborative environment where constructive criticism and teamwork are essential for growth and success.

Multiple channels

Even in simple examples, developers with a strong ego need to constantly prove their expertise by over-commenting on pull requests. They believe bypassing a PR without leaving a mark could be seen as a lack of knowledge or engagement.

This type of behavior can stem from insecurities and the need for validation, driven by ego.

It's essential to recognize that seeking recognition and approval should not be the primary goal. While it's natural to want acknowledgment for your hard work, using it as a measure of your worth can lead to unhealthy habits and hinder personal development.

Ego can also cause resistance to feedback. Being defensive or dismissive when receiving constructive criticism can create friction with coworkers, impede problem-solving, and limit opportunities for learning and growth.

My realization

Because I usually keep a low profile, I thought I didn't have an ego. But, just like with many other things in life, I was wrong. While I was in The Netherlands, I realized just how defensive, stubborn, and hesitant I was about getting direct feedback.

After getting over the initial shock of how direct people in The Netherlands are, I learned to trust myself without worrying about what others think, by strengthening my opinions, filtering out nasty comments, not taking them personally, and turning the info into something useful and real.

After some time, I became more direct, not seeking approvals, and learning along the way with others. I also found joy in their progress.

In a nutshell, sometimes we just have to admit that everyone has their struggles and privileges. Eventually, we need to own up to things instead of making excuses or looking for sympathy from others.

Confidence vs ego?

It is vital to understand the dynamics between the two forces of confidence and ego and how they can influence our actions and relationships.

It must be clear that being a know-it-all or a jack-of-all-trades will not only prevent you from finding areas for improvement but also discourage others from working with you. Working with someone who believes they are always right is a horrible experience.

Taking to an extreme, you might dismiss or undervalue others' contributions, which can create a toxic work environment and hinder collaboration.

From the book The Stoic Mind of Addy Osmani, there is a definition of this difference that I can relate to.

Confidence is an intrinsic belief in your abilities, and it typically stems from experience, knowledge, and skills. It's a silent attribute; it doesn't need to prove itself or be loudly announced. Instead, it speaks through actions. It has a sense of quiet assurance about it that others can sense. Confidence is unassuming yet solid, like a well-built foundation of a structure. It stands firm without needing to draw attention to itself. Confidence is when we have already beaten our ego, which encourages us to embrace uncertainty and risks, knowing that we can learn and adapt, even when faced with challenges. Ego is the voice that constantly seeks recognition and approval, often at the expense of others. Ego can often drive people to overestimate their abilities and overlook their shortcomings, leading to a distorted self-perception. It can push us to take reckless risks or make decisions based on pride or fear of losing face.

We all have a mix of confidence and ego. It's important to notice when the ego starts to take over because it can affect our decisions, interactions, and self-view. Healthy self-confidence is essential for growth; it drives our ambition, resilience, and courage. However, ego can distort our self-image and block our potential growth.

So, how can we build more confidence and keep our ego in check? As simple as they sound, these are the top actions that resonated the most from the book.

• Seek Feedback: Ask others for their opinions to see your blind spots and improve.

• Accept Failure: It's okay to fail or not know something. Use failures as learning opportunities.

• Be Grateful: Acknowledge the help and support of others in your success.

To be or to do

Another concept that caught my attention while reading another book on Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday, which is the difference between to be and to do.

The book describes the ego as our self-centered desires, insecurities, and need for recognition. It often drives us to focus excessively on to—do's, accomplishments, external validation, and material success. This can lead to a constant pursuit of achievements to boost our ego and prove our worth to others.

However, “to be” aligns more with the book's message of humility, self-awareness, and personal growth. It suggests a focus on developing inner qualities, virtues, and a deeper understanding of oneself. This involves transcending the ego's demands and cultivating qualities that contribute to a meaningful and fulfilling life.

In summary, while todo driven by ego seeks external validation and achievements, “to be” focuses on internal growth, character development, and a genuine sense of purpose. "Ego is the Enemy" encourages readers to prioritize “to be” over todo to overcome the pitfalls of ego-driven behaviors and achieve true fulfillment.

Think about this next time you face a choice: Do I need this? Or is it really about ego? Are you ready to make the right decision? Or do the prizes still glitter off in the distance? To be or to do -life is a constant roll call.

Takeaways

Stay humble.

Contrary to those who constantly feel the need to prove their skills, seek recognition, or resist feedback, staying humble encourages learning. Humility overcomes the arrogance that blinds us to other perspectives. It keeps us open to different opinions and truths. In other words, you don't get in your way.

We will never gain the right to go over others or use them to pursue our goals. That is not only egotistical but also counterproductive.

As coach Tony Adams once shared about the feeling of playing within a team, play for the name on the front of the jersey, and they will remember the name on the back.