Hang out with your inner chatter

As a second iteration of a post I wrote previously, titled 'Worrying Too Much in Advance' (link below), I would like to address a common behavior that often accompanies it: rumination.

https://techashuman.com/blog/worrying-too-much-in-advance

It’s like when you keep thinking again and again about what happened or what could have happened, and what you should’ve said or done differently. Your brain doesn’t stop going over it. That’s called rumination. It’s a deeper, often negative form of overthinking where your mind gets stuck reflecting and second-guessing choices.

This mental state, which enables us to think and go beyond the limits, has made me feel overwhelmed many times in my career, from solving bugs in my sleep to having second thoughts about what I should have said during a meeting.

Even being cautious about this, I got to a point where arguing about myself became the norm, going into the rabbit hole, running in circles about scenarios that were very unlikely to happen.

What makes this harder is that I’ve spent so many years training myself to analyze and solve problems in a highly structured and logical way. This mindset has been valuable in technical work, but has its downsides when it extends beyond the screen and into personal matters.

This isn't just about overthinking technical tasks or work decisions; it’s the same way my mind races about conversations, missed opportunities, or doubts about my choices. The challenge lies in getting it to stop, especially after working hours, when the boundary between work and personal life is blurry.

So let's start digging into it and get to the point where dealing with my inner chatter was a necessity rather than a routine.

No time to disconnect

If I were to think, one of the top factors that affected this is remote work. Since remote work came into the picture, I definitely started to get into this problem more often, not advocating against remote work, but as a social person who gets a lot from social in-person interaction, this has affected me quite heavily.

You can argue that social interaction should not only come from work, but as someone who works 40 hours a week, work represents a big percentage of my weekly routine.

I must admit that I don't have much space at home, so when your "office" is the same space where you relax and do other activities, switching off becomes harder. It’s not that remote work is bad (I value the flexibility), but I’ve realized that not having physical boundaries between work and home made it difficult to truly "shut off.”

Long commutes and no need to dress up might sound like one of the perks of working from home, but I end up missing them as a process for disconnection.

In a nutshell, this avoidance of separating concerns between my work and my personal life triggered a non-stop load of thoughts about work that I couldn't manage to make go away.

The pressure of society standards

Getting back to the sense of rumination, there are many reasons why we (or at least I) end up here.

At times, I feel the weight of societal standards, an invisible pressure to succeed, to meet the expectations others have for me, or not to fail. Making odd justifications about why I was doing or taking any particular action, about MY PERSONAL LIFE! These pressures compound the feeling that I need to get everything right. But who sets those standards? Why do we always feel like we must meet them?

The older I get, the less I reflect on this, especially now as a parent. I'm glad I'm making these steps. Disconnecting from social media is crucial for this to happen.

Regardless, this constant reflection sometimes leads me to feel like I’m growing, but it’s not necessarily in a healthy way. It often just creates a wider sense of "what-if" scenarios, more ways I could potentially fail, and finally, doing a lot of Monday morning quarterbacking.

So I came to the point where I needed to find a way to take risks to enable myself to fail, without the importance of breaking any social paradigm or standards that I personally invented. As I have shared in other articles thrive more with my vulnerabilities as I have always done with no problem.

Inner chatter

This unconscious pressure that I got boiled down to nights with no sleep and insomnia became part of my life, and I discussed with my inner chatter what the cause was.

The concept of "inner chatter" is something I learned about from Laurie Santos’ The Happiness Lab podcast. Inner chatter refers to that mental self-talk that shapes how we perceive ourselves and the world. Often, this self-talk can spiral into negative territory, making us overanalyze and criticize our past actions.

I have found that my inner chatter tends to be pessimistic, a constant loop of self-doubt and second-guessing. It's not just a problem of thinking too much; it’s about thinking in circles, going around mistakes or missed opportunities.

As a consequence of this remote work, I have also noticed that I was more exposed to “me time”, and with professional help and my research about what helps and what doesn't, I came up with daily routines and considerations that contributed to having more balanced inner chats.

Don't be afraid to be the protagonist; we build our careers with effort, so we deserve the right to be heard. Contrary, we are all fighting different battles; there are times that we just need to take out the thinking that there's always a spotlight chasing us.

Eventually, no one cares about what you do; they are all busy with their own struggles, not much they pretend they have everything figured it, or whatever a post on social media is making you believe.

Practicalities

Putting theory aside, in terms of practical terms, in my experience, leading with that voice inside my head became like a daily challenge.

As life that inner chatter had moods, so I have learn to make it stop when I knew for certain it was one of those dark days.

Anyway, I tend to self-reflect regardless of the result, so these are some tips that usually help out

• Make real comparisons, and remember that outlier comparisons don't let us see what's happening underneath others. Compare yourself with where you were yesterday, not where you think you should be.

• Don't underestimate the power to leave your house. As simple as it might look, a 10-minute walk will make the difference. Sounds silly, but connecting with nature has proven benefits.

• Third person self talking, measure things from the outside - “what would Manu do about this?”

• From Laurie Santos. Pick your best hero, what would Batman do? Stepping outside of your own head and asking "What would I tell my best friend in this situation?" helps you see things more clearly.

• Think in time, about the problems or something you are analysing, and what effect would it have in 5 years?

• Focus on closer collaboration with people full of optimism, rather than the opposite.

• Don’t shy away from talking to a professional. Sometimes, the best thing is to unload, vent, and make sense of what’s bothering you.

• Being there for others doesn't mean that no one should care for you. Being a good listener doesn't mean you don't want to be heard for a change.

• Run away from people who make you tired, or be someone you don't feel proud of.

The main purpose, or at least why I got obsessed with this, is because I wanted to learn not to be hard on ourselves, negative thoughts and big judgments were moving me to dark and unnecessary places.

I’m still learning how to deal with my inner chatter, but it’s made me realize that self-compassion is key. It’s about acknowledging your flaws.